More Mallu Ungle

For a while there, both Motty and I got worried M.U. had been turned off by her silence but, no, today he’s back with another gem. (And oh, erm, modification?)

Email # 13

Hi P*****.

I want to see the GOD,
and
I want to pour the Liquor to him.
Thus
I want to ask him,
In
What Language you wrote my fate?
Oo ho ,
What is the way to escape?

Because my darling so far
not spoke to me.(P****).

Dear Good Lady,

I am dreaming you daily,
Because you are my soul mate.
Your eye brow are modifying
your face really…..

This modification making you very sexy darling.

mallu ungle yet again

So, my friend has been quite faithfully forwarding me her fan mail – only I was away and couldn’t update. Here we go – quite a backlog:

Email # 11
Hi,

When the two eyes Robbered each other,
means Love started.

When sky Robbered sea,
means Clouds are there.

When flower is being Robbered by beattle,
means the luck.

When the luck will be Robbered me,
means the Lottery then.

So

When you start Loving me,
then that day will be my Lottery day.
I am waiting for that lucky lottery day.

You are stolen my heart,dear.
May launch FIR?

You don’t get annoyed.
Your cute face making me to write like this.
Your Nose & Lips are tremendous.
I wish to bite it. Really.

Thanks & hope you like it.

Motty was tempted to say “Bite me” but …

Email #12
My Own P****.

A smile is quite a funny thing,
It wrinkles up your face .

And when it’s gone
you’ll never find

Its secret hiding place.
But far more wonderful it is

To see what smiles can do.

You smile at one,
One smiles at you,

And so one smile

makes two.

Darling can’t you talk at least once?
I want to hear from you something.
But don’t tell that you hate me.
Because I am in the glass palace,
just waiting for you.
Please don’t shatter it.

You looks very cute and sexy.
But above all your innocent smile is atracted me
So much …..So much….So much….

mallu ungle strikes again

Email #9
One thing you Remember Always,

When you laugh!
To Laugh with you,
there will be 1000 people.
BUT
When you cry!
To cry with you,
Only your Own shadow will be there.
REMEMBER
That shadow will be ME.
Because I love you so much.
Reason, You are good lady I feel.
Your face is so attractive,
When you smile, your teeth,Lips & shining cheeks
Really amazing. The hair is resting on your Brest
side it gives more attraction. Rest will explain when you
reply.

Oh yes, the hair on the brest snare. Men fall for it everytime!

Email #10

Subject: My Cuite Motty.

You Know one thing after seeing you,
I have asked to GOD.

Give me 2 Minds.
One for Remember & Live,
Other for forget & Live only Forget.

You Know One thing.

The Punishment of Eyes
is through the way of sight,

The Punishment of Sight
is through the way of Love,

The Punishment of Love
is through the way of GOD,

BUT

To punish that GOD
What is the way?????????????????

Because Motty

That GOD only made me to see you in the net.

Motty is too amused to be offended now. But she’s going to to write him and ask for a photo

deewana #1 …. part ii

So, the emails continue. I believe she had three from Mallu Ungle today. My comments are in bold italics. She hasn’t written him back yet. What do you think? Block him? Or send gems to our inbox everyday for as long as possible??

Email #5
It is very bad that after reading ,
Just siting as if you are not knowing anything.
But I am not going to leave you,
I am just sitting for you in the net.
Your smile very nice.
Your shoulders very nice.
You looks like very intelligent.
Because your head is big.
So totally you are good.

Email #6
When we dream in our sleep, we view the past and a future. When we dream awake, we use the past to create the future! Giving thanks is the expression of gratitude, and gratitude is one of the most beautiful secrets in spiritual life….

So do it fast My dear Motty.
(Shite! Did he just call her fat/moti?)

Email #7
Tu Je Dheka tho ye jhana sanam
Pyar hota hey deevana sanam,
Ab yaha se kaha jaye mey
Theri bahoa mey mur jaye mey.

Dear do not make me in trouble.
kindly reply me.

Motty could you hear me.
Motty you are my sathi ok.

(I just fell down laughing)

Email #8

• Subject: I know you are taking as Joke

See P*****,
Time has come to talk us,
You are very beautiful,
Looks very good lady,

That’s why I am approaching,
See our match it 17 things are matching.
Motty are you hearing.

deewana #1

So I had to share this. This comes from a friend who just signed up for match.com in India. She’s set her age limit, geographical limit for people she’d like to get in touch with but has obviously attracted the attention of this one MUCH older man in Kerala. Mallu Ungle as we’ve named him started emailing her a few days ago. I’m posting her emails in serial order – oldest first (such pain to reformat!)

Email # 1
Though you are Fatty,
But you looks beauty,
So you are sweety,
If I get you Then I am Lucky.

Email # 2
After reading my message,
Keeping just cool as if you are not knowing.

Reply me dear.

Email #3
Just reading is not enough.
You must know to reply.

How are U?
Hope you are pretty good.
Your hair is so good and attractive and it suits to you.

Hellooooo tell something ya.
When we interact then only will have some effect.

Email #4
When ever you come online I am here or Whenever I come here you are there.

Just again you read my mail and not telling anything.
Keeping silence means acceptance.
I care you that is why I am alway here whenever you are here.
Any way you have good cheeks, Nose, Eye brows are good,

hit & run

I received this email from a friend this a.m. Sound familiar?

i’m getting your mail at a time i’m less than impressed with men but i’m still smarting from this most recent guy who chased me, made me feel so special -  i really thought in 2 dates and an abundance of flirty texts – that we might have something …some potential for something real. Then he vanished. no replies to calls, texts, facebook. nada. i was so hurt. then confused. did i sawy something? then i was upset. last night, after a week of silence i texted him a witty msg – for my own closure alluding to this new status quo of nothingness. and nothing back. so at least now i’m not wondering if it’s me! and i can safely label him an asshole who wasn’t worth it, and move on. still disappointing though. more because i really liked him. and it’s my fault for hoping, i guess. men!! sigh.

Issshhh. I think what makes the situation worse = my $0.02 = is the not knowing why! Why don’t men just grow the hell up??? Girls would NEVER do this to someone, right?

A Need to Escape.

As a woman I have no country …As a woman my country is the whole world.~Virginia Woolf, Three Guineas

Yesterday was a lovely afternoon. I was happy to be in India although I was homesick. Today, all I want to do is go home.

I often think – if India is representative of the future of the world, as populations grow, resources become scarce, competition increases… we are so royally fucked as a human race. As Suketu Mehta, sums it up quite nicely in Maximum City, “God help us.”

This afternoon, I was having another lazy Sunday, trying to download ITunes using my wireless connection which is slower than a turtle walking through cement. It was then that I heard the commotion from a neighbor. Somebody fighting? A couple’s quarrel? Someone shouting on the phone? I couldn’t make it out, except it was getting louder. A man’s voice, screaming. I opened up my balcony door, and realized it was coming from above me, the residence of the “Chairman” of the society (condo association) I live in, a slightly obese man in his 50s was beating the crap out of a woman. Pouding the crap out of her. I couldn’t hear her at all, except when he pounded her, and I could hear a whimper. My knees got weak, my heart started pounding, my blood boiling. I froze and listened. There was nothing I could do. I couldn’t call the police because they wouldn’t do anything in this fucked up country. I couldn’t go upstairs because god knows what would have happened to me, in this fucked up country. I saw a neighbor in the balcony below me. I’m not sure if he was listening, he must have heard it, but there was no expression of action as he stared out on to the street from his perch….in this fucked up country. I started to cry in my helplessness. I’m the first person who doesn’t stand by as crap like this occurs – yet I just stood there….

I just want to go home. I miss American men, who at least pretend they have respect for women. I miss America, where the police at least pretend to do something. I miss a society that at least pretends to address these issues. I wish three things for the men in this country, who compensate for their tiny penises by beating, raping, killing women because they can get away with it:
- castration…slowly
- getting the crap beat out of them until they are senseless
- a one way ticket to hell

Although this happened several hours ago, and I went shopping to escape, I’m clearly still upset and angry. I would refer to the men in this country as “dogs”, but that would be insulting to the canines, who seem to generally mind their own business….

For resources on domestic violence:

• http://www.unifem.org/campaigns/vaw/
• http://www.expressindia.com/news/fullstory.php?newsid=56501
• http://www.countercurrents.org/gender-azmi130803.htm
• http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/south_asia/6086334.stm

Organic, Jew, who knew?

This may be slightly dated (pun intended! YES!) but a few weeks ago I received a very nice, well-worded “communique” from one of those match-making websites. i had cancelled my subscription many months ago but curious to see what this gentleman had written i bit the bullet and subscribed again. Mistake # 1. It was a lovely email and so we corresponded for about a week before deciding to meet up. I was fine with a coffee date-a no-brainer for a blind/first date- but he asked me out to dinner and I said sure, why not. Mistake # 2. Since he was big on organic stuff, I suggested this rather posh joint and he didn’t seem to mind. We met at the restaurant bar and I tell you, my days of amateur theatre acting finally came to use. First of all, he lied about his height. His profile said 5’9″ and at best he was 5’6.5″ – i felt glad i wasn’t wearing heels over my 5’6″ frame. Second, his profile pic was from 5 years ago, at least. I don’t care if the man is 40 and greying, please don’t freakin lie. But I knew the perils of online dating. Mistake # 3. I clearly didn’t know ENOUGH.
Any-ho, we managed to have a stilted conversation through dinner about his Peace Corps adventures and my journey to the U.S. Then, of course, there was the whole 15 mins. he spent tracing his Jewish roots and why his mother asked him to water the plants every other weekend. But while I was geniunely curious about his small-town origins, he decided to get condescending about my immigrant status. We ended the date with a So-Glad-This-Is-Over-Hug and a nonchalent peck on the cheek. I’m now officially staying away from the online dating scene. Match.mom at least comes with a thorough background check.

Autorickshaw “Awaaz”

The strangest thing happened today and yesterday…  Last night, I was returning from a drink at the Taj Blue Diamond via auto (my only mode of transportation around here) and the rickshaw-walla, as we pulled up to my building, commented about how I had a nice “noise.”  “Noise?”  I asked, “Do you mean ‘voice’?”  He said, “No No, noise, you have a nice noise, you have very nice ‘awaaz’.”  [For those of you who don't know Hindi, "awaaz" means VOICE.]   ANYWAYS, whatever, I wondered for two seconds about what was so different about my voice and moved along.

TODAY, on my way back from work,  with a different auto guy, and he said the same thing.  No joke.  I’m getting a complex.  He said, ”you speak English very sharply.”  Whatever that means.  He also said, “You have good awaaz.”  WTF?!  He went as far as to ask if I sing.  [The answer to that would be a very big NO]

What is going on all of the sudden?!  Is this an auto pick up line?  I need to know these things!

blind date

so my mother texted to ask me if i remember this guy from school. I wrote back and said the name sounds familiar. then she told me her *friend* suggested we meet up. He’s returned to india after spending time in the U.S. as well. charming. mom is fobbing this off on her friends. So i told her to tell him to email me. not good enough, apparently. that is a no go. mom’s friend said “is she interested or not? Tell her to meet him for coffee!” i think i will after all – but i’m telling myself it’s a bonding over ‘oh, you lived there, too? for how long? when did you go after we graduated school…” etc. etc.

<confession: i looked him up on facebook. ummm…I can already see this as a ‘ek aur friend bana diya’ situation …>